By the way, 121 is too a prime number. LATeR: Oops, no, you're right. 11 x 11. Didn't obsess far enough. . Now I've got to rethink that earlier post and I'm too tired. Sigh.
Only this morning I was recounting the failures of my life to God, a long list of them, failures and gaffes and ugly behavior and the like, telling Him there's no point in someone like me continuing to go on living. What good am I doing anyone? Shouldn't You just take me Lord? I never expected to live this long, age eighty this month. Wow, that's crazy, especially as I survey the monumental uselessness of this life. I was amazed to reach age sixty, but eighty is utterly inexplicable.
A few hours later I was listening to some Christian videos. I'd discovered that C. S. Lews' books are online as audio books, or some of them anyuway. I listened to a few chapters of "Mere Christianity" as well as "The Abolition of Man." I'd read them originally over thirty years ago when I was still in the kindergarten as a Christian. I've outgrown them both and yet I can appreciate their appeal still. Not enough to want to finish listening at the moment. Restless to find something truly inspiring. Notices that Tozer's "Pursuit of God' is also available as an audio book at You Tube, one of my all time favoriteite books, and this time as I listened it did not diminish as something I'd outgrown but ifrather overwhelemeed me with its importance and relevance .
My useless failure of a life took on a new meaning. I saw God in it, stripping away all occasionans of pride and ambition, occasions of self-satisfaction turned into bhumiliation, the pursuit of worldly or even sinful desires become blighted reputation. Loss of friendships, loss of reputation, loss even of physical property on more than one occasion. All these things I now suddenly saw as blessings of god to separate me from the world and self. Here I was complaining about these things as marks of a failed life, showing that they hadn't succeeded in killing worliness or self, but suddenly I wanted them toMe: and "die to yourself." y wordliness to die, my selfcenteredness to die. "Take up your cross and follow Me" "Die to yourself." THAT is the recipe for the kind of life that GOD wants of us, THAT's the succesful life in reality. It's not as if I haven't been here before. Many times as a matter of fact, but I'd slid away again and Tozer's book hit me like a revel I'm a slow learner.
I was feeling hopelessto do anything about the se world for starters. I could post many links on the political situation. I wanted to die... OR be given something truly useful to do. Since hearing Tozer's book again I realize I needke a break and see if I can learngdie to myself for real and draw nearer to god. Finally. And then if ng useful for me to do it will come out of that renewed life.
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