As I've been listening to teachings about my own condition of fear and doubt I've discovered that I am far from the only one to have gone through such a state of mind.
Although I have times of great fear and despair I also have times of peace in the Lord, even the "peace thta passes understanding>' Although I fear I've been cast off I nevertheless go on praying and thinking of God as present with me. If I were really cast off would that be the case?
Then I think this must be, not only chastisemenet for my sins, but an opportunity to grow in understanding of the ways of God and perhaps even something that can make me a help to others. Of cdourse I would very much like to think that.
It can only be a good thing to be learning how much sin offends God, how it makes us fit for Hell. Especially these days perhaps, though of course you can read many of the past complaining of the same kind of thing in their own time, sin is not treated with the seriousness it deserves. Some preachers even seem to go out of their way to make light of it, call it "mistakes" or emphasize how it hurts us while leaving out what an offense it is to God.
And the other lesson I am learning is that God really is to be rfeared. Fear of God is another biblical concept that is often played down ty preachers. But even Jesus tells us that we are not to fear those who can harm us and even kill us in this life, but God who has the power to cast us into Hell. I wonder if I'm remember that right, I hope so but it may not be.
I've prayed for both a greater sense of the vileness of sin and the greatness of God as I've felt I've lacked a right appreicatiohn of these things. Even in the midst of these painful experiences I want to know more about the vilneess of sin and the greatness of God.
I still plunge into times of great despair because of my sins, but I also come back to times of peace and even joy. This is a good sign. I hope eventually the Lord will let me rest in the peace He gives me. Even at eighty, amazed that I ever lived this long, I still hope He might sustain me a while longer.
Praises and blessings to our great God. Even sayhing that is hopeful because the unbeliever can't say anything good about God, it can only come through His Holy SPirit
