I've many times on this blog said that America is under God's judgment and that the only cure for that is recognizing our sins as a nation, confessing them and repenting of them and returning to the gospel of Christ. As I think about this election I realize how desperately we need such a national change of heart. It should start at the churches of course, since "judgment begins at the house of God" and there are plenty of compromised churches in this land now: churches that hardly preach the gospel at all but seek to make people "feel good about themselves," and churches that deny the God-inspired nature of scripture, churches that support the Marxist concept of "social justice" in a distortion of Christian teaching about mercy and fairness, confusing and corrupting the gospel itself. It feels hopeless. Many many Christians, God help us, who are voting for Hillary in this election.
Then I think of Europe which has far less of its Christian heritage remaining intact, that is becoming overrun with alien immigrants and alien ideas and subjected to violence aimed at destroying whatever is left of its western culture, including the rape of its young women by Muslim men. Its leaders won't do anything about this because they are brainwashed by political correctness, afraid of being called "racist," committed to the dissolution of national entities into a global unity that is only going to be a worse nightmare. Europe seems to be in a state of terminal denial that will eventually obliterate it and replace it with something murderous, violent, barbaric, evil, the very paganisms, only perhaps worse, that Christianity originally overthrew as it took hold in pagan Europe.
America has to repent of our rejection of God but Europe even more so. America at least has enough of a remnant of Christians to allow us to entertain such a possibility as repentance and return to God. It feels hopeless for sure but if God would enable us to recover our former favor with Him, then we could pray for Europe with more effect.
Lately I've been feeling pressed to confess my own sins in this effort. I've confessed them to God and even to some friends, but I keep feeling pressed to confess them in a more public way. This sense of pressure in this direction has occurred off and on over many years, but when I pray about it or consult Christians about it I am usually advised that if I've repented then there is no need to confess further. I also found Spurgeon advising that some sins should simply not be confessed publicly. This plus my natural fleshly fear of being despised for the sins has driven me back into silence over and over.
As for being despised, it couldn't get much worse anyway. I've been aware for years that I'm under God's judgment for something in my past, or call it "chastisement" if you prefer, since that is something Christians are to expect from God; also that my sins are already public knowledge anyway although kept secret from me. People spit outside my door fairly frequently for instance. But nobody believes me if I tell them this. If they don't actually spit they cough or clear their throats as if they are going to. This occurs whenever I go out in public too, the grocery store even. I'm told I'm just being paranoid, that these things aren't happening or I'm misconstruing them at least. I know otherwise but I'm alone with my experience. It's been pretty blatant at times too, but I don't want this to become a record of all the instances or I'd never get to the end of it. Sometimes it's threatening, sometimes people frown or scowl, sometimes they laugh. Knowing that God is in charge of everything I figure He's chastizing me and that I am to yield to it and not fight it. I'm even to pray for my enemies of course, and stop reacting defensively. I seem to fail at whatever it is He wants of me because it continues to go on and I continue to merely feel beaten down by it instead of learning whatever it is I'm to learn. And yet when I feel perhaps I need to make a public confession I don't get a clear answer to this and sometimes the discouragement I mention above.
Would it set me free to confess? I don't know. I still don't know if confession is what is called for. Would I find mercy? Scripture says if you hide your sins you will not prosper but if you confess and abandon them you will find mercy. But I think, I have confessed them haven't I? Well, perhaps not enough, perhaps not fully, perhaps I'm still not completely rid of them.
It's all or mostly sexual sins. Most go back before I became a believer, but at least one was committed since, about ten years ago. I'm not entirely sure which of my sins is public, whether they are true or distorted. In any case those that haunt me most are sexual sins.
The big one goes back to 1983 when I had left my "husband," which I put in quotes because we never legally married, was super depressed and wrote an ad for a sex partner, really a sort of sex therapist you could say. I wanted someone who would care about what I got out of it because my experience during many years of promiscuity was that sex partners never did, and I felt used. I was forty-one and after leaving my husband had encountered the bad boy of the Berkeley social scene who went around seducing women of all ages and I fell for it. He was twenty six and although it was the usual frustrating and depressing experience despite much excitement, at least I had the impression he cared more about it than others. Why I felt that I don't know, but I got the idea into my head that because he was younger he had a different view of women's sexuality than older men. So my ad asked for a younger man and very clinically described a regular intermittent encounter without emotional ties. That's either what I thought I wanted or all I thought I could dare to ask for. I also described myself as "very attractive" which was a huge mistake. I thought of myself as attractive enough but far from the "very" I appended to the term, out of bravado? I don't know but it was stupid. I also said I was married, which I wasn't, and to the extent I was married in any practical sense, I'd left it anyway. I guess the idea was to emphasize that I wasn't asking for any kind of emotional entanglement. I got a bunch of answers, some REALLY young guys among them, age eighteen or so, which I wasn't interested in because then I'd be the teacher. What I wanted WAS more of a therapist, somebody who would rescue me from that recent seduction and abandonment. I met a few but nothing felt right. I dropped the whole thing.
I know this is the cause of some of the spitting and other ways I've been treated like a pariah since then. Somebody I'd written to among those who answered the ad, to whom I foolishly told a lot more of my intentions than I should have, somehow has made the foolishness I wrote available to people around me ever since. Yes I know it sounds like it has to be my imagination but I know it isn't. But I'm not interested in convincing anyone at this point, the sin itself is what I'm trying to confess here. Oh, it must have a lot to do with the fact that in those years I was working with my psychologist husband as a "sex therapist," which was more couples therapy in reality, one of a team talking to couoples who came in with a sex problem, and I worked with my husband as well as some of his students in psychology at the University. And I'll add that this role was not something I'd been trained for except by him, and he put me into the role, trained me, monitored me etc. Meaning I was illegal, although I took pains to make sure every client knew my actual status, and nobody objected. But I suppose that a reason why I was targeted as I was had to do with being a sex therapist, meaning that writing such an ad would invite particular condemnation.
Of course the ultimate reason was that God wanted me in this position. What I'm hoping is that if I confess all of it I can finally know I'm forgiven and belong to Christ and that He would bless what I've been writing in my blogs. He has certainly led me through much of it anyway, answered many prayers for understanding of what He wants me to write. I don't know if confessing will make any difference at all, but I'm hoping it will lift the burden I've been under and make me a more effective blogger. I also hope that by doing what I keep saying we all need to do in order to turn the country back it will have some effect on others to the same end. If I haven't sinned away my favor with God. I've never even known for sure if I'm saved. If I'm not there's nothing to lose. If I am I'd assume my sense of assurance has been compromised by my failure to confess and might finally have that assurance if I do.
That first debacle thirty three years ago occurred before I was a Christian. It was during the next few years that I read my way to belief in Christ. Oh I guess I need to talk about that too, because what led me to seeking God was a strange relationship with a young man I eventually figured out had been "loaned" to me by his girlfriend as a result of knowing about my ad. He was into a particular Hindu guru and kept telling me how he found God that way, even telling me that "God" was looking for me. Turns out He was, but not the same God.. But although he was in his thirties he was far from what I wanted. There was no real attraction and I didn't want the role of being the initiator so nothing much happened except that I felt terrifically ashamed of myself. He also stole some American Express checks he'd found somewhere and talked me into forging the signature on them. Something I was good at and absurdly proud of, which was a lot of the reason I complied. After I became a Christian I wrote to Am Ex explaining the situation and sent them the money he'd stolen as a result of my forgery.
Anyway, it was his constant talking about "God" as he knew God through his guru and his own experiences in meditation that finally got me to read up on God according to the gurus. I hardly remember what they said but at least a couple of them agreed on what the experience of God was like in such a way that I suddenly believed. Believed, that is, in the reality of God, but most of what I believed came out of my childhood experience of church and had little to do with the Hindu conception of God, except that I'd come to believe that all religions believe in the same God. It took the next few years of reading to see how wrong that is. During that time I also got involved in some occultic practices, learned astrology, how to cast charts, and spent an inordinate amount of time in a sort of conversation with the oracle "The I Ching." I guess something like Hillary's conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt. All that had to go when I finally understood the gospel.
So I'm trying to get all the sins I can remember into this. But the next big debacle came about ten years ago when I was posting a lot on an internet forum and another participant, a married man, took an inordinate interest in me, liked my writing, at one point asked me if I as a Christian would ever consider marrying someone like him who was not a believer, which was a pretty seductive thing to say. I said no, of course not, but he certainly had my interest. I was the one, however, who tried to turn it into a relationship, not he, by persuading him into an email exchange. I didn't think in terms of actually meeting him, let alone making it into a real relationship, I was just infatuated with his infatuation with me and found that being told he loved me was the most powerful aphrodisiac I'd ever experienced. That experience alone was what kept me in the email exchange. Eventually I figured out that he himself wasn't really a sexual person somehow, wasn't having any kind of sexual attraction, was more of a romantic who liked the way I write and liked the idea of being "in love," whereas I was addicted to the powerful aphrodisiac effect and although I took that as being in love myself, I knew we wouldn't like each other in reality and never encouraged it, although he played with the idea. He was happily enough married anyway so all it was ever going to be was a conversation. But then I started grilling him about his apparent lack of sexual feeling and found out a lot about his insecurities that pretty much ended the romantic aura for me. About a year after we started emailing, he killed himself, although it was understood to be a heart attack. I found out by calling his place of work. I'm pretty sure it wasn't a heart attack because when we first started talking he said he had been suicidal recently. And just before he died he kept talking about "Madame Bovary" who of course killed herself as a result of the consequences of her affair. I feel most guilty that I didn't emphasize the gospel to him but just indulged myself in the selfish feeling of being "loved." I grieved for him.
Lots of sin, lots to confess and repent of. Let's name some of it: Adultery of course, lust, covetousness, bearing false witness, selfishness, depression, self-pity, recklessness, irresponsibility, pride, covetousness. I'm sure the list is much longer in reality.
I believe my email was hacked during my conversations with him, and I've been punished mightily for my sinful foolishness since then, as anger at me for that "relationship" just got added to the punishments I was already experiencing for the ad since 83. I believe my email is still being hacked, both of my email accounts. But I'm alone, nobody believes me, I have no help to find out such things or correct them.
But again this is God's doing. Again I'm hoping that confessing as much of it all as I think of will bring some relief from God's displeasure, and also validate my own understanding that it is confession and repentance that will turn around God's judgment on America, give me more freedom to write along those lines.
I don't know. Maybe I've sinned away any hope of God's favor. Maybe nothing will happen, maybe things will go on as usual. I'll write my blogs as usual, maybe I'll get some comments, maybe some mean ones, maybe some friendly ones. I have no idea.
Lord, I commit this to You, that You do as You please with it. I hope for relief but if that is not Your will I accept it. What prompted this was the knowledge that America and Europe are under Your judgment and that if I believe confession and repentance and turning back to You would turn You in our favor then I want to be sure I've done myself what is necessary. Please forgive me and guide me to corrections if I've failed to do this as honestly or completely as I should have. I pray this in the name of the Lord Jesus. Amen.
A few hours later. I prayed to know if I'd left anything out and what came to mind was much earlier sins, back to my twenties when I got involved in some "sexual freedom" groups, went to parties where people took all their clothes off and danced and then went to have sex in the "mattress room." I only went to four or five parties and I felt pretty sleazy and ashamed afterward, but at first it seemed liberating and amazing that people would get naked in a group like that.
And one other thing came to mind but it's been a while and I don't remember it so I'll have to come back.
So this should cover my bizarre and ugly sins of the past. I've long since forsaken all such things but I pray for the right attitude of repentance and remorse since after writing all this mostly all I feel is sort of stunned or numb.
Earlier there was kind of a chorus of the throat clearing going on -- meaning four or five people, but not all together, just an unusual number, it's usually only one once in a while -- tonight it was one right outside my door, the rest down the walkway but certainly within my hearing. A coincidence I have to suppose, but even so, maybe writing all this will make things worse. But again I put it in God's hands. Again I hope to be cleansed of my past once and for all, to be rid of the burden of hiding it, to be free, and to be able to say that I've done what I think the nation needs to do to stop the deterioration that's been going on for decades. Confess, repent, turn back to God. Sorry to do this to nice people whose sins are far more normal and respectable than mine.
Seeking God again
5 months ago